1. Put on a pretty frock and say: "Let's go out to dinner!"

2. Call a taxi. Choose a restaurant famous for its Napa Valley cuisine. Order the $65 tasting menu.

3. After dessert, when the check arrives, tell the leech, er, your boyfriend that you wish him a long and happy life, but if he can't pay for dinner—just this once—it's over.

4. On the way home in the taxi, he will declare he loves you "unconditionally." Never mind. Just flick him off at his parents' house. (He'll be surprised to see boxes of his bongs and belongings stacked in the yard. There's no need to explain that you arranged for friends to pack his things while you were at the restaurant. Just say, "Leech, the only thing you love unconditionally is my bank account.")

5. Ask the taxi driver to honk the horn as you drive away. It's your first moment of delicious, glorious freedom!