For the last 9 months a cancer has progressed without being diagnosed and now I am in bed with pains, yellow stools, headaches, unable to eat and drink. Yet I am due for a test next week when the system and myself let me down so much that I can hardly walk.

I want to commit suicide to finish it off, the pains and all. But I am afraid because of religion, it is the ultimate sin. I used to not understand the people who went for assisted suicide but now I know differently. If I was not afraid for religious reasons I would put an end to it. I feel I have died nine months ago with the first symptoms, excruciating abdominal pain I had. Now I am just going to go for tests to tell me that I am dying. I know what some might say, oh you don't know that and many people think that and you are anxious. But I saw myself fading away for the last nine months. And unfortunately my family was not there for me to understand what I have been going through. And sometimes I hate myself for trusting them instead of my sense that I am not well.

Anyway I came here to say that. I will not commit suicide because of my religion and I know for my religion even this post is a sin.